Exerting influence is a must! Why? Because it helps you achieve your goals. Things don’t just happen on their own. Unless, of course, you don’t have goals and just take life as it comes. That’s a choice too. But back to exerting influence. I find that this can be a challenge for many women. In this blog, I’ll delve into it further.

Why Do You Want to Exert Influence?

Once again, influence is a powerful tool and, in my view, the only way to achieve goals, especially when it comes to your professional and personal development. It doesn’t just happen on its own.

How Do You Notice That It’s Not Working Well Enough?

Here are a few examples of how you might realize that your influence isn’t yet successful. I’ll also indicate what the results could be when you effectively assert influence.

1. If you feel that you’re not being taken seriously, influence can help you communicate your viewpoints and contributions more effectively, leading to greater recognition and respect.

2. If you keep missing out on promotions, influence can play a role in securing them and achieving your professional ambitions. By exerting influence, you can increase your visibility and demonstrate that you’re ready for a higher position. Research shows that women need to prove their abilities by having done it before. You need to have your track record in order.

3. You work very hard but don’t get the recognition you deserve, and believe me, that can be very frustrating. Influence can help you communicate your performance and results more effectively to your supervisors and colleagues.

4. You’re still troubled by that inner voice, your Imposter. Influence can really help break through these negative beliefs and limiting thoughts, or in other words, overcome your Imposter Syndrome. By exercising influence, you can convince yourself and others of your abilities and potential.

Let’s zoom in on the last point, that inner voice, your negative beliefs.

What Are Negative Beliefs That Prevent You From Exerting Influence?

You’re really not alone in this. Many women struggle with negative beliefs that limit their ability to exert influence. Here are some common beliefs and what you can do to "kill" them.

1. I Am Seen as a Bitch:
   I personally find this quite positive. Why? Because BITCH stands for
   Being In Total Control of Herself (@Sam, can you add an image here?)

But you still have to deal with it. Women are often judged differently than men when they are assertive. Sometimes they are even seen as aggressive. Therefore, it’s important for you as a woman to show both a masculine quality, like being assertive, and a feminine quality, like being nice.

Instead of saying:
“It’s high time you show better results,”
Say:
“I understand that you’ve had a challenging period. At the same time, I expect to see an improvement in your results from now on. And I know you have it in you.”

In the first example, you show clarity. That’s mainly masculine.
In the second, you combine empathy (feminine) with clarity. You combine feminine and masculine aspects.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking now, what nonsense and what a hassle. But if you don’t want to be labeled a BITCH all the time and want to exert effective influence, I’d suggest doing it this way.

2. I Need to Make Myself More Visible:
   At least that’s the feedback you often receive. You need to make yourself more visible and showcase your results more. Yes, you think it’s nonsense and find it bragging, even arrogant.
   Showing your successes and skills is definitely not arrogance, but a necessary step to gain recognition. How can anyone recognize your achievements if they don’t know about them?

So, from now on, keep track of all your successes, compliments, and positive contributions weekly. Write them down ‘braggingly’. I already know you’re modest. And only when you feel like you’re bragging are you speaking the truth.
Share these with your boss. Remember that you are helping your manager assess you better when he or she is aware of all your results. Plus, all your results reflect on your manager.

3. I Am Not Good Enough:
   This belief is completely pointless and paralyzing.
   Why were you hired? Because you looked nice? Because you had high grades? Because…
   No, you got the job or project because you are the best candidate. Do you really think a manager hires someone they don’t trust? Of course not. Just as successes reflect on the manager, the same goes for mistakes. And you’re a woman, judged on your track record (you’ve already shown you can do it), so you can do it!

4. Fear of Being Bossy or Bitchy:
   Look again at the meaning of BITCH.
   And add this:
   A third of people like you, a third don’t like you, and a third don’t care. And whatever you do, it keeps changing. So sometimes Josien thinks you’re bossy, and other times Peter thinks you’re bossy. The idea of this one-third has greatly helped me overcome the ‘bossy’ syndrome.

How to Increase Your Influence Without Creating Resistance?

You’ll encounter resistance anyway, especially from the one-third I just mentioned. That one-third who doesn’t like you. I always say to act like bird poop. The bird poops on your hair, shake it off, and keep going.
But of course, I have two strategies for increasing your influence without too much resistance. There are more strategies, but these are the most important to remember.

1. As I mentioned, combine masculine and feminine skills. Especially if you’re working with other women and want to influence them, it’s important. Being ‘nice’ is crucial. Otherwise, you risk the crab bucket effect.
   What’s the crab bucket effect???
   Imagine a bucket of crabs. There’s no lid on it. The crabs try to climb out, and the other crabs try to pull them back down. This is something women can often do to each other. When a woman is ‘too’ assertive toward other women, in other words, shows ‘too’ much masculine behavior, other women might start gossiping negatively about her, undermining her influence. It’s not just men who expect certain behavior from women, but women do this too. And they might even have a stronger judgment. More on the crab bucket and related Queenbee behavior will be covered in another blog.

2. Networking is a highly effective means of exerting influence. Seek mentors and allies who use their influence to amplify yours. Here are a few examples from my own experience:

• At the company where I wanted to become a controller, I received feedback that I was too young and inexperienced. I discussed this with my mentor. He knew someone, an older ‘wise’ man who had a lot of influence on the decision-maker, and he put in a good word for me, which helped me get the role.
• I frequently use name-dropping. For example, Queen Máxima of the Netherlands has all my books. Showing this photo, especially to men, raises my status in their eyes and earns me immediate respect. Well, if you personally know the queen, you must be someone important.
  
• While writing our first book, we were supported by a ghostwriter. She had many contacts at the Financial Times of the Netherlands, which is almost the most important newspaper you want to be featured in to distinguish yourself professionally. Through our ghostwriter, an article about our book Stratego for Women was published on the same day the book was released.

So, I’ll stick to these two. The first involves working on increasing your own influence, and the second involves leveraging others. How simple can it be? Give it a try!