But now, you have to actually go through with it. Just thinking about it gives you palpitations. Too nerve-wracking. And a voice in your head already says, "Forget it."

But you know what, I completely understand. I've been through it, too, and yet I did it. And so did the hundreds of women I've helped with this.

How? Just with a simple and proven script. It earned me an extra $800 per month back then. And when Shirly van der Kolk was still employed, she managed to negotiate an annual raise of 10% consistently. Now, as a freelancer, she applies it whenever she feels her rate needs to go up.

So how do you conduct a salary negotiation?

This is the scenario:

Salary negotiation between Lisa and Ronald

Scenario: Lisa, 36 years old, Business Unit Manager, is negotiating a raise with her boss Ronald. Lisa is aiming for an additional €500.

First, let me show you how NOT to do it:

Lisa: Hi, how are you?

Ronald: Good, it’s a busy day today. Do you have something important?

Lisa: Well... not really. Glad you could make some time for me; I won’t keep you long. I just wanted to talk to you. You know, I’ve just bought a new house and haven’t sold the old one yet.

Ronald: Yeah, that’s unfortunate.

Lisa: I’ve been really busy. I’ve also taken on that project from that colleague in procurement. So, I was thinking maybe I should be earning more. Don’t you think?

Ronald: You’re bringing this up at a very bad time. As you know, we’ve been heavily affected by the crisis, and we all need to pull together. A raise is really not possible. Your current salary is fine.

Lisa: (indignant) Why didn’t you give me a raise earlier then? You can see how hard I’m working; I’m putting in a lot of extra hours. It’s unfair that I don’t get a raise—I’ve earned it.

Ronald: You never asked for a raise. I assumed you were satisfied with your salary. I do appreciate your effort, and you’re doing well, but I’ve just received the quarterly figures, and things are not looking good. A raise is just not possible.

Lisa: Oh, well, I can understand that. Things aren’t going well. Maybe next year?

Ronald: OK, let’s discuss it again when things look better. Will you take the initiative?

Lisa: That’s fine.

Why is this negotiation ineffective?

• A weak opening and hesitation to ask: Lisa beats around the bush, mentioning things like “I’m really busy” and “I bought a new house.” Studies show that both men and women negotiating with women tend to bring up personal reasons, assuming women are more sensitive to them.

• Her language weakens her position: She says, “I just want to talk” and “I kind of think...”. Hesitant language gives the impression that it’s not important. She also uses diminutive words like “colleague,” which diminishes her position.

• Bringing up emotional arguments: She says, “It’s not fair if I don’t get a raise” and “I’ve earned it.” Most negotiators aren’t moved by these kinds of emotional arguments. They aren’t concrete or measurable.

• Accepting the collective argument too quickly: Lisa accepts the argument about the collective effort, saying, “It’s a tough time, and we all need to pull together.” Women tend to be more sensitive to this argument. They generally communicate honestly and openly, and they expect the same from others, assuming there truly is no budget for a raise.

• Accepting the first "no" too quickly: It’s important not to give up too soon. Men often see negotiating as a game, and they expect women to negotiate, too.

Now, here’s a successful negotiation:

Lisa: Hi, how are you?

Ronald: Good, it’s a busy day today. Do you have something important?

Lisa: Yes, I’d like to discuss a raise.

Ronald: You’re bringing this up at a bad time. As you know, we’ve been heavily affected by the crisis, and we all need to pull together. A raise is really not possible. Your current salary is fine.

Lisa: In the last six months, I’ve taken on more responsibilities, including a new project where I’ve achieved significant savings. I’ve researched the standard salaries for comparable roles in our company and industry, and it turns out that an €800 raise is reasonable.

Ronald: Your role has indeed changed, and I appreciate your efforts, but I’ve just received the quarterly figures, and we’re not doing well. An €800 raise is simply not possible.

Lisa: I understand that this is a tough time for many organizations. At the same time, you’re acknowledging that my role has changed, and you’re happy with my performance. I’d like to explore what is possible.

Ronald: Well, there’s not much room, but I could try to get you an additional €300.

Lisa: €300... (silence)

Ronald: Well, considering your performance, that might be a bit low. What I could offer you as a rare exception is a €400 raise.

Lisa: I understand that €800 isn’t possible right now, but in tough times, it’s crucial to retain good people. I suggest adding another €200 when I successfully complete the project.

Ronald: OK, let’s agree on that.

Lisa: Great, €400 now and an additional €200 upon completion of the project. I’ll confirm it in writing via email.

What makes this negotiation effective?

• Clear and strong opening: She indicates urgency and dares to ask.
• Factual arguments: “I’ve taken on more responsibilities” and “I’ve achieved significant savings.” Generally, this works better and is more powerful than emotional arguments.
• Good preparation: Lisa has done her homework. She compared salaries for similar positions within the company and industry and found that an €800 raise was reasonable.
• Persistence: The first "no" is taken as the start of the negotiation. She doesn’t give up.
• Maintaining her own agenda: Lisa doesn’t quickly agree with the appeal to the collective interest and says, “I’d like to explore what is possible.”
• Strong and decisive language: Lisa speaks decisively and uses "masculine" words like “strategic project,” “industry,” “savings achieved.”
• Acknowledging the other party’s input: She says, “I understand this is a tough time” and “I’m glad you confirm that you’re satisfied with my performance.” This shows she’s taking the other party seriously.
• Power of silence: By keeping quiet, the other party feels compelled to take action.

Here are some strong negotiation phrases:

• "It’s a tough time, we don’t have that much money."

  • "I understand, but I believe that good performance should be rewarded."

• "According to the collective agreement, I can’t give more."

  • "I’ve always understood that the collective agreement is a minimum and that it can be exceeded."

• "Those are just the company rules."

  • "I think, in this case, an exception can be made to the rule because..."

• "You’ll get more at a later stage."

  • "OK, then let’s make concrete arrangements for that now."

A few more suggestions:

"That’s too modest of a proposal for me."

"That’s a start, let’s see if we can come up with another solution that works for both of us."

"That seems like a good basis; I think we can finalize it with a few additional terms."

"That’s an idea, but let’s explore other possibilities."

"My current salary is irrelevant, it’s about what’s fair for this role and its responsibilities."

"I suggest you put it in writing; I’ll consider it."

"OK, I understand that 5% isn’t feasible now. Let’s agree that I’ll get a 3% raise now, and the remaining 2% by January 1st."

And if nothing else works, you can end with:

"What is possible?" "What can be done?"