I like to distinguish between political games and unwritten rules. For me, they are not the same. I prefer to set a moral boundary.

Unwritten rules are the guidelines within an organization. You could say, the so-called mores. This is how things work here. And often, these rules are masculine. To put it in black and white, this is how men do things here. Why? Because organizations were originally established by men, and often the most influential positions are still occupied by men. This makes these unwritten rules so persistent.

And don’t think, “But we have a lot of women in top positions, so those rules don’t apply here.” They do, because these women know how to navigate these rules, and gradually, it’s up to these women to create more space for feminine rules as well.

A great example is Jacinda Ardern, the former Prime Minister of New Zealand. She introduced a wonderful rule: "Be Kind!" This is what I call a feminine unwritten rule. Unfortunately, since she has left this influential position, this beautiful rule will likely be undone soon. That’s what I mean by persistence. We need more influential people to give more appreciation to feminine rules.

Political games, in my view, are an extreme form of unwritten rules. They are unwritten rules to the power of two, as I sometimes say. For example:

• Too much bluffing (read: lying)
• Too much focus on personal gain (read: autocratic leadership)
• Too much emphasis on status rather than content
• Too little information shared (read: withheld), leading to poor decisions
• Excessive respect for hierarchy, so no one dares to address issues.

I think it’s clear what I mean here.

In this blog, however, I assume that when you refer to political games, you are actually talking about unwritten rules.

How to Recognize Political Games

Sometimes it’s very clear. You hear someone say things that seem exaggerated, but you see that it works. Or someone talks about their success in the first person, and everyone thinks they’re amazing, but you know a whole team was behind this success.

But more often, it happens in a more 'invisible' way, and you can sense something is off but can’t quite pinpoint it. You notice that something is going on but aren’t sure what. For instance, someone suddenly gets a promotion and you think, “Huh, I didn’t see that coming.” Or you hear that someone working at the same level as you has a higher salary.

That’s why we call them unwritten rules. You could almost call them 'invisible' rules. But they’re not that invisible. Once you start paying attention, you see them everywhere.

But they remain unwritten. Because let’s be honest, when you had your first job, did the company give you an overview of these rules? Did they tell you that you:

• Need to express your desire for a promotion?
• Should speak in the 'I' form rather than 'we' because otherwise, your contribution isn’t clear?
• Must share your results with others, at least your boss?
• Need to share compliments with others, at least your boss?
• Should negotiate your salary?
• Have to strategically network, which is different from casual chatting with people you like?
• That a ‘No’ doesn’t mean ‘No’ but rather the start of a negotiation?
• If no one finds that project you’re working on important, you should just stop?
• That earning respect is more important than being liked?
• That appearance often matters more than substance?

And there are more…

How to Deal with Political Games if You Dislike Them

You always have a choice:

Either you start recognizing the unwritten rules and stretch yourself to practice them, or you decide, “I don’t want to deal with this, I’ll just opt out.”

Disliking something is a strong term. It might be challenging at first, but I promise you, it gets easier and more enjoyable the more you practice.

What helps me is to keep my goal and vision in mind. In my vision, the world becomes a better place for everyone when women take more influence. To achieve this, I use the unwritten rules while keeping my own values in check so I don’t cross them.

For example, I will never use an unwritten rule that harms a woman.

One important unwritten rule is visibility. You can make yourself more visible and use your network to increase your visibility. You might arrange for someone to speak well of you or to let others share your achievements. I call this positive gossip. A value of mine is that supporting other women is very important. So, I will always speak positively about other women. Instead of negative gossip, I practice positive gossip to help women rise. If I genuinely dislike a woman, I simply don’t say anything.

And if you’re thinking, “I don’t want to deal with this,” that’s fine too. But there may be consequences. For example, you might miss out on that promotion, not get the salary you deserve, or remain invisible. You might think, “I’ll just find another job.” But then you’ll notice that it’s the same at another company. And so you might think, “I’ll start my own business.” But even then, unwritten rules still apply. You will need to:

• Promote yourself because you want to stand out from the competition
• Negotiate your rate
• Share your results with potential clients to get future projects

And so on…

What Skills Do You Need?

The most important skill is a bit of courage. Think of it like learning to ride a bike. The first time, you have training wheels and it’s quite nerve-wracking. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Then the training wheels come off, and it’s nerve-wracking again. You might fall once or twice, but you get back up and try again. It gets easier over time. And the thing with biking is, you get from A to B faster and with less effort. It’s the same with the unwritten rules. The more you recognize and apply them, the easier it becomes. You gain more influence, and best of all, your work becomes more enjoyable, and you find yourself laughing more often. Sometimes you even think, “Can it really be this simple?” Yes, it can be.

Why Strategic Networking Is Useful

I’ve written a separate blog on why strategic networking is so useful. I highly recommend reading it. This is indeed an unwritten rule. With strategic networking, you get things done.

Here’s an example from my own experience:

I was attending a networking event where Queen Maxima of the Netherlands would also be present. I knew a minister would be there, and I knew this person—not by chance, but because I had previously strategically networked to include this minister in my network. Following this, I reached out to the minister before the event and asked if she could arrange a moment with Queen Maxima where I could present my book. The result:

This is the effect of strategic networking. I also had the ‘luck’ that this event received TV coverage. Queen Maxima with the book was prominently featured, and I’m sure this played a role in the fact that "Stratego for Women" is still a bestseller after 17 years.

Why It’s Important to Understand How these Lines of Influence Work in Organizations

As you become more adept with unwritten rules, you’ll gain clarity on 'who’s connected with whom'. I don’t mean sexually but who has informal authority. Who has informal influence over whom. Formal lines are clear—the formal hierarchy. But unwritten rules indicate who has informal power. Understanding these lines mean knowing whom to approach to get things done. If you only follow formal lines, you might miss opportunities. Note that you should always follow formal lines but use informal lines as well.

I experienced this firsthand when I was an employee.

I wanted a certain position within the organization, but the director in charge thought I was too inexperienced and too young. My mentor, who had a huge network, shared my ambition with a senior manager who was older and highly respected by the director. Long story short, within two months, I got the position. In other words, if I had only followed the formal line, I would never have been appointed. Following the informal line made it possible.

Back to unwritten rules. If you want to learn all these rule in a fun way at your own pace?

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