A seven-year-old girl politely asks the butcher, “May I have a slice of sausage?” The butcher had been about to forget the usual piece of sausage for children. “Girls who ask get skipped,” scolds one of the other customers. “Oh no,” the girl replies, “Girls who stay silent will never get anything!” And that’s how it is. The butcher finds it delightful and gives her an extra-large piece of sausage.

And that's exactly it. Girls who stay silent will never get anything!

Why Negotiation Techniques are Crucial for Career Advancement

The introduction says it all: Girls who stay silent will never get anything! Personally, I find it so obvious that negotiating is a crucial part of your job, and therefore, it's also crucial if you want to advance in your career. You’re negotiating all the time at work. Not just for your salary and bonus, but also for time to spend on a project, training opportunities, your next position, meeting time to present your ideas, administrative support, time off, and flexibility in working hours. You also negotiate all day at home, for example, over household chores and the number of hours you and your partner work once children arrive. And these home negotiations affect your career.

For this blog, the focus is primarily on negotiating at work. Of course, you can also apply these techniques at home.

The Power of the Right Techniques

There are numerous techniques when it comes to negotiation, and it somewhat depends on what you want to achieve. I’ll use the following terms:

Let’s zoom in and I’ll provide some examples.

• Win/Win: If you focus on both your own gain and that of the other party, you aim for a win/win situation. This is especially desirable when there's a long-term collaboration and trust, such as when applying for a new job or aiming for internal promotion. The goal is a good and reliable partnership.

• Win/Lose: In this scenario, your gain comes at the expense of the other party’s gain, meaning the other party loses. This is common in markets, especially in Asian countries where negotiations are aggressive to achieve the lowest price, often to the detriment of the other party’s profit. Building a relationship isn’t necessary in this competitive negotiation style.

• Lose/Win: Here, you end up losing while the other party wins. I see this often with women negotiating for a salary increase or a promotion. Many women, including perhaps you, may stop negotiating at the first “no” and concede. Why is that?

  • They believe that a “no” is a definitive “no.”
  • They fear damaging their relationship with their boss/employer.
  • They fear losing their job. I’ll discuss this further in the section about differences between men and women.

• Lose/Lose: Personally, I find a compromise to be a lose/lose situation. Both parties give something up and neither ultimately gets what they want. For example, in a salary negotiation, you might end up having to prove yourself over the next 6 months to justify a raise. You don’t get what you want immediately, and your boss may only offer a raise after 6 months. I consider this a lose/lose because there’s no guarantee you’ll get anything after 6 months, and you’re being judged on your track record rather than potential. I compare it to buying a box of chocolates—you should pay for them upfront, not after you’ve eaten them and enjoyed them.

My favorite should be clear. Go for the win/win situation, also known as the Harvard Method. Have you heard of it? It involves two sisters and one orange. Who gets the orange? You might think the simplest solution is to cut it in half and each take a piece. However, this is a compromise, or a lose/lose.

Instead, they ask each other why they want the orange. It turns out one wants the juice to drink, while the other wants the peel for baking.

This method relies on 4 important rules:

1. Separate the people from the problem: Aim for a strong dialogue about differences without making it personal.
2. Focus on interests, not positions: Address needs, desires, concerns, and fears—both yours and the other party’s.
3. Generate options for mutual gain: Think of solutions where both you and the other party can win (like the orange example with the juice and peel).
4. Use objective criteria: Base decisions on fair standards.

Differences Between Men and Women

First, let me say this: Women can negotiate better than men! Really, but there is a caveat. Women negotiate better for others, but when negotiating for themselves, many women (and perhaps you) are less effective.

What are these differences? Here’s a clear-cut overview:

• Women often focus on building and maintaining relationships and fear that a tough negotiation will damage these relationships. They sometimes find it difficult to separate the person from the issue.
• Women are generally more concerned with the overall good rather than personal gain.
• Women place high value on fairness, which makes bluffing—a common negotiation tactic—challenging.
• Women tend to focus more on the substance and importance of the work rather than hierarchy and status.
• Women are often more modest and may ask for too little.
• Women may empathize too much with others, potentially at the expense of their own interests.
• Women might face negative reactions when negotiating assertively, as it’s less expected from them.

As you can see, there are real differences, and it’s important to be aware of them.

Examples of Negotiation Techniques You Can Use

I assume you’re well-prepared; if not, you can read more about preparation in our blog on that topic. Now, when you’re actually negotiating, here’s what you can do:

• Avoid sitting directly opposite each other: This highlights the opposition. Opt for a corner arrangement instead.
• Create a positive atmosphere and start with small talk: This helps you gauge the other party’s mood. Remember, you’re negotiating with a human being.
• Listen! This may seem obvious, but hearing what the other party says is key. I’ve often seen women miss the “yes” because they are too focused on their goals. Listen, acknowledge compliments, and repeat them.
• Think for yourself: Don’t assume you’re asking for too much and give up early. That mindset ensures failure. Stop thinking for the other party; they can handle that themselves.
• Practice a poker face: Avoid showing your feelings on your face. Don’t nod or hum too much, as it can indicate agreement.
• Embrace silence: The power of silence is crucial. Stay silent at the right moments and look at the other party without rambling. It can feel awkward, but remember, “He who talks, pays!” And yes, I’ve seen silences lasting over 5 minutes.
• Be flexible but set boundaries: It’s important to know beforehand what you are not willing to compromise on.
• It’s okay to walk away: If you’re stuck, you can take a break (like getting coffee) or even say, “We’re not making progress, so I propose we end the negotiation,” and walk away.
• The first ‘No’ means the real negotiation begins!
• And perhaps most importantly: Negotiation is just a game being played!